Updates

Cafeteria Lunch Hours Adjusted
Due to ongoing temporal inconsistencies near the east wing, lunch will now be served from 12:00 to 12:45.
If you experience déjà vu, overlapping conversations, or the sensation that lunch is happening continuously — please exit calmly and re-enter the dining area only once.

Menu Changes

  • The mystery protein previously listed as “Chef’s Choice” has been removed until we confirm whether it counts as alive.

  • Salad bar has returned. Lettuce is guaranteed non-sentient this time.

  • Coffee strength has been reduced from “Emergency Reality Stabilizer” to “Regular Human Beverage.” If you require stronger coffee, please speak to Tribune Vesta and sign the waiver.

Vending Machine Adjustments
The vending machine in Hallway D has stopped demanding offerings in exchange for snacks.
Please do not thank it out loud.
It hears gratitude as invitation.

Gym Access
Entity #497 has been using the gym’s mirrors to observe staff doing yoga. Mirrors have now been covered.
Classes will continue.
Entity #497 is “mostly harmless” but also deeply judgmental.

Transportation Notice
The elevator to Sublevel 3 now skips Sublevel 2 entirely. This is intentional. Sublevel 2 is undergoing “conceptual redefinition.” Please stop asking what that means.

Storage Room Signage
The door previously labeled “Storage Room 14-B” is now labeled “Not Storage Room.”
If you don’t know why, then you definitely shouldn’t be opening it.

Lost & Found (Atrium Desk)

Misplaced something? Misplaced everything you believed about cause and effect? We can help with at least one of those.

If you are missing:

  • A keycard — We currently have 17. Please describe the sticker, scorch mark, or bite pattern.

  • A glove — Singles only. If you lost a pair, we regret to inform you that they are now estranged.

  • A feeling of certainty — We can offer a pamphlet titled “Operating Amid Ambiguity.” It is printed on very reassuring paper.

How to claim an item

  1. Present ID or a convincing approximation of yourself.

  2. Describe the item in detail (color, serial, smell, last known alibi).

  3. Sign the “I Swear This Is Mine and Not Actively Hunting Me” form.

  4. Wait for clearance from the drawer. If the drawer growls, take a number and back away.

Items currently on the shelf

  • 1 keycard that opens nothing and yet insists it is “important.”

  • 3 right-hand gloves and 1 left-hand glove that keeps drifting north.

  • A mug labeled “World’s Okayest Summoner.” Warm, but empty. We checked.

  • A notebook that writes back if you criticize its penmanship.

  • Sunglasses that make everyone look slightly familiar.

  • A small jar of “emotional support screws.” Please return individually.

Items we cannot accept

  • Time you lost in the east wing.

  • Names you gave away in a dream.

  • Any object that insists it was never yours to begin with (we respect boundaries).

Items temporarily quarantined (ask Tribune Vesta)

  • A lanyard that refuses to be worn by the unworthy.

  • A coin that lands on its edge even on carpet. Especially on carpet.

  • A stapler that binds paper and, on rare occasions, promises.

Unclaimed item policy

  • After 30 days, mundane items are donated to Procurement.

  • After 10 days of whispering, items are reassigned to Research.

  • After 1 day of screaming, items are escorted to the polite incinerator

Special notes

  • Gloves: If your glove returns on its own and is larger, please file a growth report (Form 7B: “It Wasn’t That Size When I Left It”).

  • Keycards: If your keycard starts opening concepts instead of doors, that’s Facilities, not us.

  • Certainty: If found, it will be labeled “misc. confidence” and placed in the glass bowl. Take one. Leave one, if you can spare it.

Hours

  • 09:00–11:30 and 13:30–16:00, or until the bell rings thrice (whichever occurs first).
    Please do not ring the bell thrice. It knows what that means.