Tribune Castor:
Please refrain from attempting to pet Entity #3486. Yes, it looks soft. Yes, it makes a sound similar to purring. No, that is not purring — that is warning vibration. We are running out of medical-grade bandages and patience.
Do not pet the entity.
Tribune Vesta:
To everyone who keeps bringing snacks into Containment Observation:
The beings do not need snacks.
The beings should not be offered snacks.
The beings remember who fed them.
Repercussions vary.
Tribune Castor:
If you see Entity #221 wandering the hallway, do not attempt to “guide it back to its enclosure.” Entity #221 does not leave its enclosure — it simply is wherever it intends to be. If you make eye contact, politely look away and pretend to be extremely busy. Preferably with a clipboard.
Tribune Vesta:
The reflective pool in Chamber 7 is not a mirror. It is not “a cool place to take selfies.” It is an extradimensional aperture. If you see your reflection blink, wave, or beckon — leave the room. Immediately. And perhaps reconsider your life trajectory.
Tribune Castor:
Please stop naming the unidentified spores in Lab C after your pets. It is emotionally complicating the containment reports, especially when we have to write sentences like, “We regret to inform you that Princess Pickle has colonized the ventilation system.”
Tribune Vesta:
A reminder that the phrase “It’s probably fine” is not approved operational language.
The last time someone said this, we had to spend three days extracting everyone from the ventilation shafts. They were not physically harmed, but the group therapy bills were considerable.